Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Anxiety is a bitch

It's the most debilitating thing in my life.

A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder.
Short definition: I have unrealistic fears about everything.
The psychiatrist wants me on anxiety medication but since I'm pregnant, he told me to wait.
Which is fine by me.
I don't "believe" in medication for myself.
Now, don't get me wrong. I understand the purpose of it but I've also seen the bad sides to it and refuse to end up feeling like a zombie. I simply don't want to rely on taking a pill to make me feel "normal" even though people swear by them.
It scares me.
Ha. That's funny now that I think about it.
Anyways, I've been going to counseling and learning cognitive behaviour therapy techniques which is helping.

How does anxiety directly affect my life?
Here are some examples.

My walk last night:
  • "It's dark out. We're going on a path. Is it lit? Are there houses around it? Are there people nearby? What if someone jumps us? What can I use for a weapon to protect myself? What if I trip and fall? What if something happens to the baby while we're walking."

Going on a plane: (Ugh.. the worst)
  • Bad dreams. Heart races. I start to shake. I start to worry. I sometimes cry (been working on this)
    If the pilot is around, I talk to him or I talk to him on the plane. I ask about turbulance.
  • Then I question things like: "What if the plane crashes? Will there be turbulance? Whats the weather going to be like? What if someone hijacks the plane? What if someon causes problems? What if theres an emergency? What if theres a fire?"
  • Then I go through the process of praying to my nanny and grampy to watch over us and to be there for us if something happens. I start to accept my death.

Nobody understands what goes through my mind on a daily basis.
Do you know how physically and emotionally draining it is?

It took me 5 years and my grandmother's funeral before I finally flew back home after I graduated high school. 5 YEARS! All because of a 6 hour flight.
Last year I went to Orlando, Florida for our Honeymoon. What a long flight... 7 long... long hours. But I went.
I'm done being controlled by this fear.
I should probably add that I had little pills to help me relax.
A temporary solution which I'm fine with.

These are just examples.. but basically anything I see on the news, I start to worry about it.
I will overcome this. I will not let my child see me this way.
"Yep, you see that (ugly disgusting spider that makes me want to scream)? Oh that's nothing.. isn't he cool looking"
That will be me.
I will fake it just like my Dad faked liking farris wheels until I was old enough to understand.
Thanks Dad :)

1 comment:

  1. I'm a bipolar, which you are not, but my pills make me feel normal, not hazy or dopey, or anything. You have to have trust in a good doctor to find the right meds for you. Now that you are pregnant, it's more important, because the right gp, or psychiatrist, will steer you to the right resources for your situation. Believe me, there is lots of help out there.


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